Care and training of the adolescent...

I walked into the living room and Joon and another guy were standing on our porch talking with L. The screen door was closed. It has a metal bottom and so it is rather a barrier – plus L is talking to them from BEHIND the front door of our house. In other words it’s like this:

I invited the guys in, but it was awkward because L didn’t repeat the invitation (the silence was deafening, as they say). Everyone ended up staying put. L gave them information about the practice schedule, and they left.
Right away I turn on L, "That was rude." He told me to stop, went into his room and closed the door. This is where I maybe should have thought things through... "That didn't work. I need to think of a better way to approach this."  But, no, I call to L --through his door-- that I’d like to speak but that he can "set the timer for one minute."

He came out, set the timer for one minute and I took just 20 seconds. I said that it seemed to me that he was embarrassed about his poison ivy rash and that all he had to do was say something so that they wouldn’t take this behavior personally (As I recall, I also gave him a fairly stupid example of what he might have said...).  In retrospect, maybe he was only hiding because he was in shorts without a shirt... in which case, I wish I had said that he should have asked them to hold on while he put on a shirt.

Anyway, after this incredibly ineffectual 20 seconds, L replied, “You really don’t understand me or my friends.” and walked off. I desperately wanted to say more, “TELL ME, then.” Instead I kind of muttered, “I’m sorry you don’t think I understand you.” But I left it at that. Sigh...

Duh...  all I needed to do was to ASK my son why he had hidden behind the door to talk to these guys.

It is so hard to see L so uncomfortable with himself (from my admittedly limited perspective, he seems to  project insecurity and work too hard to cover it). But that is not nearly as hard as realizing that I can’t do much about it; my  “help” is not welcome now. So, I try to just let go. He’ll learn these things without me – and he’ll be okay in the meantime. Sigh...
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Here’s another potential power-struggle with L that so far has stayed mellow. I asked him to invite some kids over to play Risk (or do something else like that).  My motivation is pretty obvious: a) I’d  like to see him invite kids over to do something besides sit in front of the tv/nintendo; b) I need for him to organize gatherings at our house once in a while, because he can't just accept invitations all the time without reciprocating. Let me say that, while there was an element of manipulation here that I am not proud of, it stops short of "control-freak."  I did try to emphasize that he could decide WHO to invite and how many people – he could also decide WHEN they should come and I’d get some pizzas if that was what Lucas wanted etc.  I also confess that I tried to tip the balance in my favor by adding that I would treat him to the movies . (I don't mean a movie day with good-old mom.  I was talking about a movie he went to already with friends; the question was: would that ticket come from his allowance or not?)  Some people might call this bribery, but that's only because they don't understand the nuances of ...(okay, yeah. It's bribery).

Seriously, though, the movie ticket thing was not gratuitous.  My son kept accepting movie invitations and just assuming that we’d pay for his movies, at a certain point (after 4 movies) I "put my foot down." I know that he can have trouble with the whole social life thing, so I don't actually want to say "no." But, enough already, he needed to ask, and either he’d pay for his movie or he’d start negotiating these outings...

I’m trying to accommodate his desire for independence  without just giving up on parenting.  I  don’t believe in just forking over $$ - Getting him to “negotiate” movie tickets from me is supposed to be a workable opportunity for me to parent. On the other hand, why has it been so hard for me to just implement this system? (Wishy-washy? Me?)
Added this days later:
Inviting kids over to do something besides play nintendo is perhaps beyond L's current ability to arrange social gatherings.  He got this far: he MENTIONED the Risk game to one kid (who called to invite L to a poker party). On the phone the kid said that it sounded like a good idea and they’d talk later... That, apparently, is all that ever happened. 

This invite makes L. very uncomfortable. When he has friends over, he only wants to play video games and watch tv. Why? Does he not recognize that not everyone is as crazy about those activities as he is?
After all, I ask myself, was he not happy with the invite to play cards?  I answer myself, “Yes, almost invisible woman, he was clearly very psyched by this plan which involved friends getting together NOT to watch tv.”      Hmmm... Another thing is that my son can be a very aggressive video game player; when he and friends get together I have heard my son swearing and expressing “fun”-anger more loudly, emphatically and constantly that the others in the room. Now, part of that may be that the others are being polite because they are at someone else’s house. Perhaps L. is quieter in others’ homes. But, I can’t help worrying a bit that he might get a wee bit tiring for the others. I don’t think it’s a matter of intimidation, truly; they know him well. I think he takes the game more seriously than most of them (and the one friend who takes it just as seriously as he does, expresses that intensity by not.saying. one.word.when they play).

So, I’m just going to have to leave it at that; I think I’m fair when I continue to say to him, as I plan to, that he cannot accept invitations without reciprocating.
Just to wrap up (still later):
At a certain point L suggested an alternative activity, a long bike ride down the canal. This was a lot more work for me (toting bikes for them, waiting, picking them up at end of canal, coordinating with them and worrying about them). But, after a few hours, I recognized that it was an incredible idea. (The more I thought about it, the more I liked it).

As for whether the adolescent was ever "trained" during this process... hmmm....  It felt more like I did the whole boot camp in teenager interaction.

Oh, and that very night at soccer practice, (Irony or coincidence?). . . L's bike was stolen...
                                                                  
I can't describe how it affected me mainly because I don't want to go into the fact that this happened when my husband was in the hospital (just a few days and nothing serious) and we had a house guest who needed some help getting settled, and... well, I just said I didn't want to go into it, right? When L told me his bike had been stolen, I got this rock in my stomach that sat there for 24 hours and just weighed me down.

The summer ended with no invitation from L to his friends to do something different - Sigh... On the other hand, we're all still sane.