Secret

There’s an address (connected to website) where people can send secrets. I understand the urge. There are some things which are just too shameful to be shared... but not sharing is a burden. This is why, I’m inviting EVERYONE who reads this to post a secret in the comments. (Anonymously if you want). Trust me, nobody is reading this. Your secret is safe here.
My secret is shame-inducing (to me) beyond all rational logic because my husband has been so nice to me. The day before yesterday I couldn’t sleep, and he was so understanding and loving toward me (rubbing my back – coming down to lie on the sofa with me after I got out of bed to read – you know, those little gestures that communicate a lot). Last night, again, he was especially tender with me.
As my son said so famously (see future post?), “I’m not worthy.”
Yesterday, you know what I did all day? I sat on the sofa next to my kitty cat and played a Nintendo DS game called Brain Age (puzzles)... over and over and over. The winter sun beamed on us through the kitchen windows and, every once and a while, the little kitty would start purring for no reason. It was very gratifying, and would be a happy memory if I had kept at it for less than an hour (59 minutes tops).
WHY? Why the Hell can't I just put the game down, period.
But... I kept saying, “just two more times. No! That one didn’t count because..."
I roused myself from this lethargy long enough to walk to the post office to mail my Netflix movies, to stop by the grocery store for dinner ingredients (on my way home), to roast a chicken for dinner, and clean kitchen. I mean, I wasn’t a wild-eyed ratty-haired looser of a housewife. No, I even finished going through all my income tax work (a trial run to see how painful this was going to be).
Oh, when L got home from school, I hid the game from him – and we spent a long time on line together trying to get him some soccer equipment... But, when he wasn’t watching, I was at the game again. At a certain point that evening, I didn’t even bother to hide it from him, although of course I acted as though I just pulled in out for a little while.
That evening I said to hubby, “I did the income taxes...” and I made myself sound pretty productive. But, seriously, I’d tracked down the necessary papers earlier, so doing the taxes involved sitting at the computer screen and just typing in the appropriate numbers (I have a program) – and trying out a few things (like what would happen to my tax return if I opened an IRA account). My tax work on our behalf was nothing to boast about...
When I got to a question which asked whether I’d ever paid the alternate minimum tax because there might be some tax credit, my reaction was kind of, “How the Hell should I know?” Yes, I did do the taxes last year, and the year before, and so on... But, BLAH – I just skipped the question. If the U.S. had more tax payers like my family, the country’s deficit would be a lot smaller. I’m all about “Just get it done.”
So...my deep dark secret... I didn’t do anything on my numerous long-term projects yesterday AND there are intense occasional jabbing pains in my shoulder because I used that tiny little stylus in such excess. The repetitive slight tensing of the muscles... murder on the aged (or, maybe I should say, it's aging me).
Today, I’m trying to be more productive, but the forces of inertia and chaos seem to be aligned against this effort. For example, not only am I wasting time on this post, but . . . read on.
This is bake sale day at my son’s school – and I had just popped the first batch in the oven when I went to check my e-mail. I saw a message, “Bake sale today – READ THIS!” So I did. It said not to bother baking because this week’s bake sale would be the “clean out the freezer effort.” In the meanwhile, as I got caught up answering e-mails, I burnt that first batch. I’m wasting precious time ruining cookies that I shouldn’t even be making.