why I'm not here

     You know, my last post was pretty lame (repetitive theme - nothing really new).
     I just sat down and said I will write something - whatever comes to mind.  A large part of my mind seems to be shut down - and I'm hoping it doesn't last long.
     Recently someone I knew committed suicide (not family and not a close friend, but somebody I had interacted with many times nevertheless, and someone with whom I had had a complicated relationship).  So I've been determined not to dwell on it.  Our family is just really recovering from a tragedy in November, and this new death could potentially be very hard on my psyche for that and for other reasons.
                                                                              So, here I am - no, wait, here I'm not.
     Yes, I've been fairly successful in not dwelling on it - but, no, it's not really a success.  I find that I can't really think about too much at all.
     Oh well, I am working on the syllabus for an upcoming class and doing other things.  I'm not completely paralyzed.
     So, I plan to keep on keeping on (expression from the 1980s, I think).   Really really really - sometimes it is best just to keep moving.

     I remember my mother.  Wow, she was a world-class champion at carrying on.  Now, in her case it maybe went too far, because she turned to drink and left some people wanting more real communication (not me, actually - I think I may have dreaded real communication with her).  Still... notice that I didn't actually say that she went too far with it, I just said "maybe."  Certainly I haven't chosen to go so far along the path of ignoring difficult ideas, subjects, conversations or memories.  But I have been hearing from various sources about the strength that being able to just carry on can give us.  The idea of psychotherapists of the old school (I'm kind of embarrassed by what I just wrote, because I don't really know enough about the subject to write this way - still, bear with me) that the only way to truly be "well" was to dig and dig and dig until we understood everything about what makes us tick, is too simplistic.  I'd say it may be useful to "dig" if, for example, that helps an insightful person recognize the roots of self-destructive behavior.  But, at a certain point, the only thing that matters is figuring out how to avoid that behavior --even if we're not even close to the deeper meaning of it all.  Hmmm... maybe some of us are really helped by seeking understanding of the roots of a problem, but others aren't.  And even for people who could benefit from the magnifying glass to the soul approach, it is so easy to get stuck there.
     In my current situation, that quicksand is something I fear a little.   

     I'm looking for the middle ground.  I want to be able to carry on, but I don't want that to mean that I've cordoned off too much of my ability to consider life's deeper meaning.
      Well, damn it.  I'm going to end with that last trite sentence.  Well, too bad.  I just don't have the patience now to look for something that matches my ideas more profoundly... so "life's deeper meaning" it is.
                                                                              So, here I am - well, almost.
                                                                              So there