I have so many doubts about life.
I doubt my values.
I doubt my doubts.
I don't believe in anything. (Me, 1987)
Wow, I remember a few years ago in a conversation with my sisters about ... about "faith". That's probably the best way to put it. It was one of those "how did we turn out so different" moments. I always just kind of assume that my sisters and I are "on the same page" in terms of basic vision of life, the universe and everything. But, I think that day I surprised them a bit by calling myself an agnostic --and my interpretation of my state is a bit stronger than the normal "agnostic"-- I see myself as a person with no faith. I don't even have the faith of the atheist.
So, when I found this phrase in something I wrote back in 1987, it just confirmed that this inability to experience any faith dates pretty far back in my development.
But - then again - I think that religion is programmed into people; it's related to our need to see patterns in things. We see significance in events and assign them meaning. So, even me - I have my superstitious behaviors.
I make wishes whenever I see a digital clock that reads exactly 11:11... Really? (I say to myself) Is this some sort of magic that entered our universe only with the invention of the digital clock? I know! In a predictable cosmic pattern, the last Leprochan (how DO you spell that?). . .
Anyway, the last leprocan died when the first digital clock came on the market. Because, under Newton's other laws, potential matter (a.k.a. "magic") can neither be lost nor augmented, it makes sense that new forms of wishes must appear in critical junctures of our history.
Then, this morning I woke up and remembered a dream. I dreamt that the downstairs bathroom was destroyed (the toilet and the sink lay on the floor). Instead of ignoring the dream, I acted on it. I decided it meant I had better clean the upstairs bathroom. ha ha. I can laugh - should laugh - am laughing. But, I actually cleaned the upstairs bathroom. Not with any sense of urgency... but
I like your quote, it almost reminds me of a quote that I read in a book by Don Miguel Ruiz about not believing anyone, not even yourself when it comes down to it. I think that he and his son went on to write an entire book on just that thing. Haven't read it and I don't know if I will.
ReplyDeleteI remember waaay back when, when you spoke to us (your sibs) about your being an agnostic. At the time I didn't really understand ... and didn't understand your needing to tell us. And maybe I still don't. Because for me faith, no faith, or no faith in either is such a personal thing. And really what do people believe when it comes down to it???
I am wondering about energy these days, what with Beau's life slipping away as I held him in my arms (not trying to be melodramatic.) Tell me again which native peoples believe that the hummingbird represents a soul? (hotmail, pls.)
What I do know is that I LOVE YOU MO!
I suppose I have a faith of a kind in that I believe in evil and good ... in a yin and yang way. And I have had numerous dreams of the devil coming to get me and my calling out that if there's a god, then they'd better come quick. And then I had that dream where I could see Jesus through the fabric of a teepee and that I was going to cross a field, or that I wanted to, to talk to him.
the paragraphs above somehow got a bit mixed up in their order ... the I LOVE YOU should've been the last and most important bit. :D
ReplyDeletewill look up the piece I read re. bird. Take care.
ReplyDeleteIt is maybe unfair to add this comment here - because I don't think that Jan will read it. I won't direct her to it, because it isn't that important. But, in my view, there is something kind of ironic in how her comment fits with my memory of the situation. The thing is that she remembers not "understanding" my "needing to tell her." But, I did have a very specific reason for telling her, and I explained it to her more than once (explicitly). I was hoping that she would have more patience with somebody who loved her who didn't believe the things she believes in. The bottom line is that I hoped that she would understand that it was possible to love somebody dearly who does not believe the same things you do... For some people at least, "choosing" to believe something is not an option. It can be really difficult to remember all of that (or to accept) if the "faith" is central to your view of yourself.
ReplyDelete