On the other hand, in this specific case of the "unwearable" sweater, it's not like this kid was asking me to buy an expensive new replacement. He just decided not to wear any sweater until we could drag some boxes of winter clothes out. So, later that week I bought him a $20 zip-up "hoodie", plain gray, period. He wasn't with me and, luckily, he was very happy to receive it... In justice, he's grown a ton since last winter, and I was going to have to invest in new clothes for him anyway. So, what's the big deal - Why am I even writing this? He's no spoiled brat.
What makes this non-event even blog worthy is that it made me think about myself (me me me). I worry. It's so important to avoid spoiling our kids - to prepare them for the "real world." Bottom line: unwise/unnecessary spending is a trap. Hmmm... how to explain? Without stamping out their own "look" or being adamant about my opinion, I guide them toward the "don't want to waste my time and $$ worrying about this stuff"* camp...
Ha ha...you say, "You can only say that because you don't have a daughter." Well, I admit it's probably easier. But, I do have a daughter (my hubby's) and I love her dearly - and, yes, she's a clothes hog - but not a fashion snob. Oh God, what would I have done with a fashion snob??? ... Aright already, I now remember... I confess. When she first came to live with us - I struggled mightily with the contradiction between her picky taste** and my core suspicion of fashion, consumerism, and ... hair-gel. Ha ha.
She'd offer to give L hairdos involving gel or spray, I'm sure I made panicked faces to her-- behind his back -- with my, oh so subtle, message: "Let's not get too carried away on this path..." She had some fun with him, but she also humored me (thanks V).
Let me digress a little more from the "topic" of today's sermon. Nowadays, I've learned how to choose clothes for V and she's started paying for most of her own anyway. In fact, the funny (is it ironic?) part is that I like to buy her a treat because I CAN kind of predict what she'll like. But, I've actually forced myself to stop, because she has so many clothes in so little space that she has little idea of where, what, when, or how. She can leave a pile of dirty clothes in the basement for months... so I have to conclude that maybe she doesn't need any more clothes. sigh...
And that brings me to the point of, seriously, how much can a mother really determine?
My older son rarely refused to wear anything. I bought home clothes (often used) that I thought would fit.*** Anyway, this frugal fashion approach allowed me to feel smug in terms of how I compared to those who were shelling out big-time for children's clothes. Now I see... the credit is his.
He and I have talked about it recently and he says that he was clueless about "social" things. Specifically, his fashion sense also reflects the fact that he lived overseas for years and wore a school uniform and didn't belong to any "in" group. When we first got back to the US (he was in 8th grade) he angrily told me one day, after he'd been teased on the school playground, that he wouldn't wear any more tightish (fitted) pants. But that was probably as far as his fashion voice went for years.
He had better things to think about, although not his PE locker combination. I found out later why he wore shorts practically all winter long one year. He couldn't open his gym locker, and shorts were mandatory for gym.
The first hint of strong fashion opinion was when he vetoed a shirt; he was 17. This was a free shirt I'd found in the clothing bin in the parking lot of the grocery store (yes, I admit it - but I washed it all very carefully before anything else). This epoch forming shirt was a short sleeved, button down, yellow and orange plaid. And, if you're shaking your head in wonder that any mother would give such a shirt to her high schooler, back off - it was cotton. I'm almost 100% sure about that. Anyway, while the shirt was eventually ousted, the truth is, I think P. wore it with no qualms until his first real girlfriend began to question
I really liked that plaid shirt (it was a brownish orange).
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FOOTNOTES
* And as I've gotten older, I think I'm more open-minded about this "camp." I'm almost Darwinian about it. But it doesn't change the fundamentals of what I'm saying: it still feels like a trap for the gullible or less aware.
** picky taste is not the same thing as being a fashion snob, but it does imply that things had to be "just so" and this often involved something that cost more... In spite of my obvious ambivalence, I want to say that I never begrudged her taste, or resented it if she didn't like something I chose. I remember really really well one Christmas my little sister and I got coats as our main Christmas gift. I was probably 15. Well, I found mine to be hideous (reddish, with a brown fur-like thing on the hood). When I didn't wear it, my own step mother said something disapproving about me and told me how expensive it had been! So, that's the thing - I totally understand taste at that age. It isn't about me being controlling or cheap (not that I'm saying that I don't have these, and many other, bad qualities). It really is about being able to understand and manage the cost of our fashion choices - that's what I want to give my children.
*** most embarrassing used clothing story for me, (I was really poor at the time). I would buy him used dark blue pants in the US (Goodwill, garage sales, etc.) for the Costa Rican school uniform. One year I bought a pair with a very clear line of faded cloth down the front of each leg (where the crease ran). They were in good shape, though, and so I thought I could disguise the fade-line. I colored it in carefully with a pen... Subtle, I thought, until I saw him walking with his class in an independence day parade in the bright sunlight.
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