Night before last I woke up from a nightmare (I wanted to write TERRIBLE nightmare, but by the light of day, the adjective seems overwraught).
L. has taken me to a store... there seems to have been a "backstory" because I think, for some reason, L was in charge of finding a good place to change our money.
He heads into the store ahead of me and goes directly to a section that's partially hidden by shelves. The owner says samething about "L knowing that the ..." I didn't really catch the end, but I was assuming video games or something.
I reluctantly go back there. Anyway, the guy starts handing me dollars and saying something like, "Let's see if they're okay..." I say, "?Nos estás pasando dólares falsificados?" He denies it, but his explanation makes me sure he is.
So, I say loudly, "Give me back my 3000 dollars." Well, I mean to say it loudly but suddenly my lungs seem to close up... I try again to say it loudly and it's suddenly terribly clear to me that I've suddenly developed a serious asthma attack. It's such a terrible sensation to be in a confrontation, be helpless, need help... and then, of course, have L on my mind.
To me, this dream is about how scarey it is to give L more autonomy. He wants it, and I sincerely want it for him also... But, what will happen to him if he screws it up... And, certainly whatever happens to him affects me also.
It's also about my being a terrible mother. How could I have let L take on this responsibility without doing my part of the job - the due diligence?
So... I may be taking this a tad too seriously. It's strange how much the dream weighed on me. But - I know, I know... it's only a zzz zzz
I know that dreams carry a bit of our worst fears, but Mo, Mo, Mo, YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!!! I would've loved having you as a mom. And there comes a point when we have to let others make their own sometimes terrible, sometimes not, sometimes indelible, sometimes not, mistakes. L will make his way ... probably better than you or I or H did. Get me. Good. :)
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